Crazy times

It has been such a long time..oh so long. It feels great just to write this piece again, it is so refreshing and undescribible. It has been 4 years..wow! really that long! I feel so much older, life happened to me. I am married with 2 children in tow, which brings me to why i am blogging after such a long time.
I am just going crazy. My kids..they are driving me insane, especially my little fella. He is 9 months old and he cries all the time. My hubby in Jeddah, enjoying his solitude..he may not look at it that way, but i am jealous. Why are we women the ones to always look after the young!

I am screaming break! I need a break desperately, away from all this! I want to live the life of a single woman for just 1 day! I want to watch a movie, i want to sleep straight for 8 hrs a night without holding a bawling baby, I want to have a nice hot bath in peace, I want to sip a hot cuppa without worrying abt baby boy waking up and wanting me to hold him and pulling down the cup of coffee on himself. I want so many things..but i guess for now I am all alone, feeling helpless and exhausted and crazy.

 

Its really there!!

Date: Feb 23rd 2008, Time: 11:45 AM on a saturday was one of my most exciting days. The most eagerly awaited day had arrived. I was a little nervous and curious at the same time, not to mention how badly i needed to pee. The doc had advised me to come with a full bladder for my ultra sound and that's what i did. I just gulped at least a gallon of water..maybe a slight exaggeration but nearly that amount. The queue in the scan center was never ending and i was determined to finsh the examination in the very first shot! Who would want to go through the torture of waiting for the bladder to get full all over again? After waiting for nearly 2 hrs in the hospital, my turn finally came. I was releived but i had more anxious moments in the scanning room. The doctor asked me to lie down and put a cold greasy liquid just above my bladder and started to move the scanner around pressing against my already full and bursting at its seams bladder. I thought i needed a bed pan, but luckily she asked me to pee. imagine my relief!! So i took a looong time in the bath room and i then hopped onto to the bed eagerly waiting to see my baby! But the doctor didnt tell me anything, she just kept rattling off some numbers to another lady in the room. i lost patience and asked "Is the baby there and is everything ok"? She nodded with a smile. This went on for abt another 20 mins and i asked her what was taking so long cos other women were out in a jiffy. She said she was having a hard time locating all the organs to see if everything was ok because the baby kept moving around the place. I then thought to myself in that case the baby must be surely a boy, but then i am hoping its a naughty girl. Anything is fine really as long as it is normal and healthy. I still hadnt seen my baby and this point she signalled Ringo inside and then showed us our baby!!
We thought we would cry. The sense of joy that came was unbeliveable. There it was this tiny little thing that you've made moving around, moving its arms and legs like such a cutie pie. it was so amazing. We saw all his/her body parts, heart beating, arms moving etc!!
It was the best day in my life!! It was beautiful!! Came away smiling from one ear to another. Could hardly wait to share this experience with ppl at home!! Thank god!

I have no title to this blog!! It is going to be a long and hard day today. the worst day in my life..i guess i could say that. To come into work and find out that your mailbox is flooded with messages that show the mistake i made has affected thousands of people!! Just not what i needed after a night of no sleep!! It is so depressing beyond imagination....never thought i could feel so low!! Sometimes work is depressing....find it useless to even make any effort to make myself feel better. It is hopeless today!!

Furiosity

Getting angry is not good for one's health. I know it only too well cos everytime i get angry I get a headache and my stomach hurts a lot! Inspite of knowing the ill effects anger has on me, i seem to get angry quite quickly! Its takes a lot out of me and it takes a lot of time for me to cool down. I end up badgering myself everytime i get angry. It has become worse of late.

I guess I need some thing to redirect it and make all the josh that comes with it useful. I need to channel it in the right direction.
Ha! just writing about this helps! I am already feeling better :)

Wow!!

Talk about going for a loooong drive spontaneously. Drive we did and guess where we landed!! BANDIPUR baby!! It was awesome! We started at 7 AM on a lazy saturday, went to Mysore irst. On the way had breakfast at Lokaruchi. Did some sutting in Mysore and then decided to go to Bandipur. Perfect weather, some melodious song playing in the background, the mood was perfect.

Anyway we got on to the Safari bus which took us into the reserve. Since we were the first ones in the queue, we got to sit next to the driver and hence the first ones to spot any animal :). It was so calm, peaceful and quiet. Saw lot of cute deer, sambar and lots of peahens an peacocks. Was hoping to see a tiger, have never seen one in the wild! Didnt get to see one this time too :(. But spotted a massive kite, with a huge wing span!! Simply breathtaking. Then the icing on the cake, saw a herd of elephants, with 2 kuttis playing with water, the kinda things you only get to see on discovery channel. Saw lot more deer after that, so many , so many!!

Headed back to bangalore. Was dog tired at the end of the day!

All in all, a great day!! :)
PS: The "WE" in this post is obviously my Hubby and me :)

soliloquoy

I am wide awake at 2.15 AM on the 5th of July, a week before my big day and all I can think of is the fear that is gripping me.



Many incidents in the last few months have reminded me that all I've ever been is selfish, more selfish and most selfish! And I look around to see all these wonderful, amazing people who care so so much about me and I am not even able to repay them even with kind and understanding words.



I am afraid of hurting someone in the process of protecting myself! I become extremely defensive and helpless. I feel like a child who has been protected all these years and suddenly there is responsibility thrust on me....i dunno if i can handle it! And its not like I havent tried sharing this feeling with someone, I have but everybody has their own problems and I dont wanna be a burden on them, not to mention that the words simply wont flow from my mouth!



I want to be strong.....I just hope GOD can give me that when it is needed the most!!

Fear

What do I do when I am afraid of so many things at the same time? Stand up and face it? Easier said than done, but I can try!