Crazy times

It has been such a long time..oh so long. It feels great just to write this piece again, it is so refreshing and undescribible. It has been 4 years..wow! really that long! I feel so much older, life happened to me. I am married with 2 children in tow, which brings me to why i am blogging after such a long time.
I am just going crazy. My kids..they are driving me insane, especially my little fella. He is 9 months old and he cries all the time. My hubby in Jeddah, enjoying his solitude..he may not look at it that way, but i am jealous. Why are we women the ones to always look after the young!

I am screaming break! I need a break desperately, away from all this! I want to live the life of a single woman for just 1 day! I want to watch a movie, i want to sleep straight for 8 hrs a night without holding a bawling baby, I want to have a nice hot bath in peace, I want to sip a hot cuppa without worrying abt baby boy waking up and wanting me to hold him and pulling down the cup of coffee on himself. I want so many things..but i guess for now I am all alone, feeling helpless and exhausted and crazy.

 

Its really there!!

Date: Feb 23rd 2008, Time: 11:45 AM on a saturday was one of my most exciting days. The most eagerly awaited day had arrived. I was a little nervous and curious at the same time, not to mention how badly i needed to pee. The doc had advised me to come with a full bladder for my ultra sound and that's what i did. I just gulped at least a gallon of water..maybe a slight exaggeration but nearly that amount. The queue in the scan center was never ending and i was determined to finsh the examination in the very first shot! Who would want to go through the torture of waiting for the bladder to get full all over again? After waiting for nearly 2 hrs in the hospital, my turn finally came. I was releived but i had more anxious moments in the scanning room. The doctor asked me to lie down and put a cold greasy liquid just above my bladder and started to move the scanner around pressing against my already full and bursting at its seams bladder. I thought i needed a bed pan, but luckily she asked me to pee. imagine my relief!! So i took a looong time in the bath room and i then hopped onto to the bed eagerly waiting to see my baby! But the doctor didnt tell me anything, she just kept rattling off some numbers to another lady in the room. i lost patience and asked "Is the baby there and is everything ok"? She nodded with a smile. This went on for abt another 20 mins and i asked her what was taking so long cos other women were out in a jiffy. She said she was having a hard time locating all the organs to see if everything was ok because the baby kept moving around the place. I then thought to myself in that case the baby must be surely a boy, but then i am hoping its a naughty girl. Anything is fine really as long as it is normal and healthy. I still hadnt seen my baby and this point she signalled Ringo inside and then showed us our baby!!
We thought we would cry. The sense of joy that came was unbeliveable. There it was this tiny little thing that you've made moving around, moving its arms and legs like such a cutie pie. it was so amazing. We saw all his/her body parts, heart beating, arms moving etc!!
It was the best day in my life!! It was beautiful!! Came away smiling from one ear to another. Could hardly wait to share this experience with ppl at home!! Thank god!

I have no title to this blog!! It is going to be a long and hard day today. the worst day in my life..i guess i could say that. To come into work and find out that your mailbox is flooded with messages that show the mistake i made has affected thousands of people!! Just not what i needed after a night of no sleep!! It is so depressing beyond imagination....never thought i could feel so low!! Sometimes work is depressing....find it useless to even make any effort to make myself feel better. It is hopeless today!!

Furiosity

Getting angry is not good for one's health. I know it only too well cos everytime i get angry I get a headache and my stomach hurts a lot! Inspite of knowing the ill effects anger has on me, i seem to get angry quite quickly! Its takes a lot out of me and it takes a lot of time for me to cool down. I end up badgering myself everytime i get angry. It has become worse of late.

I guess I need some thing to redirect it and make all the josh that comes with it useful. I need to channel it in the right direction.
Ha! just writing about this helps! I am already feeling better :)

Wow!!

Talk about going for a loooong drive spontaneously. Drive we did and guess where we landed!! BANDIPUR baby!! It was awesome! We started at 7 AM on a lazy saturday, went to Mysore irst. On the way had breakfast at Lokaruchi. Did some sutting in Mysore and then decided to go to Bandipur. Perfect weather, some melodious song playing in the background, the mood was perfect.

Anyway we got on to the Safari bus which took us into the reserve. Since we were the first ones in the queue, we got to sit next to the driver and hence the first ones to spot any animal :). It was so calm, peaceful and quiet. Saw lot of cute deer, sambar and lots of peahens an peacocks. Was hoping to see a tiger, have never seen one in the wild! Didnt get to see one this time too :(. But spotted a massive kite, with a huge wing span!! Simply breathtaking. Then the icing on the cake, saw a herd of elephants, with 2 kuttis playing with water, the kinda things you only get to see on discovery channel. Saw lot more deer after that, so many , so many!!

Headed back to bangalore. Was dog tired at the end of the day!

All in all, a great day!! :)
PS: The "WE" in this post is obviously my Hubby and me :)

soliloquoy

I am wide awake at 2.15 AM on the 5th of July, a week before my big day and all I can think of is the fear that is gripping me.



Many incidents in the last few months have reminded me that all I've ever been is selfish, more selfish and most selfish! And I look around to see all these wonderful, amazing people who care so so much about me and I am not even able to repay them even with kind and understanding words.



I am afraid of hurting someone in the process of protecting myself! I become extremely defensive and helpless. I feel like a child who has been protected all these years and suddenly there is responsibility thrust on me....i dunno if i can handle it! And its not like I havent tried sharing this feeling with someone, I have but everybody has their own problems and I dont wanna be a burden on them, not to mention that the words simply wont flow from my mouth!



I want to be strong.....I just hope GOD can give me that when it is needed the most!!

Fear

What do I do when I am afraid of so many things at the same time? Stand up and face it? Easier said than done, but I can try!

Coo

How many times have I heard a cuckoo cooing but till this dayI haven't been able to spot even one!! I know they look like crows but if one looks in the direction of the sweet voice one wud expect to see the creature behind the beautiful voice. I am very surprised by this.

Time to spot a cuckoo is what i think! :)

Huh!!??

Today's fortune:
You and your wife will be happy in your life together.

Apparently my fortune for the day according to orkut!! :-S They could have atleast written some code to make the wife husband based on my sex! Ohkay....i am asking for too much arent i?

Today was one of the BAD days for me! Bad traffic everywhere! Got totally irritated. Doesnt help if ppl wanna talk to you when i am like this or they crack some silly jokes when u r in no mood for one!!! Sense the tone ppl!!!

Mood: frustrated!

Rain

Why is rain associated with depression and something that has gone horribly wrong with a person? Watch any movie and there is always a scene where a depressed/sad person walks in the rain!

I dont think rain is depressing at all, its fun, it breathes fresh life into the earth... the smell of the first rain is heavenly. Its always awesome to go home completely drenched, dry urself, sit with a hot cup of chai and stare outside at the pouring rain, not to mention the next day u can call in sick ;) I dont know, maybe i like rain cos i am a july child :)

hmmmm.....

How do you decide when to walk away and when to stand up and face a situation?

Actions

I was watching a tv show where they mentioned Doers and others. Well Doers do things, talk less and reap results, whether they are good or bad depends on what they did. They also have goals, have plans to achieve their goals and put their plans into actions. How is a person judged in this world? Is it thru actions or what he/she says? I think its the former.

Digressing a bit...what if a person gives control of his/her life to someone else? Does it become easier or more difficult? In one sense it becomes easier cos then you are not responsible for your own actions and if things were to go horribly wrong, one can conviniently put the blame on someone else. But the very fact that it was the very same person who gave the control to someone else means that the person himself/herself is responsible.
So coming back...remember Actions, Actionize and more importantly be cerebral! (borrowed word from dad's dictionary :) )

Finally finished reading a book. Gosh it has been 2 yrs since i finished reading a novel that I started. Sad...very sad! I used to go at the rate of 3 or 4 Nancy Drew's a day. Why am I not into reading that much? Why cant I get past page 20?? :( I need fast moving books, no tv, no phone and no internet. Next book I wanna read: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin.

Noddy

Ever so often I find myself nodding to things ppl say without even being aware of what i am nodding to! Little do they know that I am completely lost when i do that. This does not augur well for me at all, I can get myself into serious trouble cos of this without even realizing it. So I've decided to take serious note of this, lest I end up regretting something! This got me thinking as to why i do that? Yes, it is very much possible that I am slowly but surely going deaf. On so many occassions I've asked ppl to repeat what they say. Sometimes I get what they say and on numerous other times I give up and just nod along. I should probably improve my comprehension skills. But sometimes I blame the ppl who talk to me, I mean how on earth can they expect me to understand them when they are sitting some 100 yards away in a crowded place and mumble something to themselves!? During these times, I just nod along to help them (I may not actually BE helping them out) to prevent them from screaming their head off. There is another scenario, something that I hate personally. Lets say a group of 5 or more ppl go out somewhere and I end up sitting in the corner(this happens to me a lot, that's probably cos the others face the same problem and have gotten smarter and they occupy the middle seats(this also has its own disadvantages btw)). So I am sitting in the corner and ppl start making smaller sub groups and start chatting away. Of course since i am not involved i start to keep myself busy with my thots and suddenly out of the blue if ppl turn to me and ask me a question, I really dont know what to say cos hey! I wasnt even listening. But in order to avoid getting thrashed, i have to say something and i end up saying a simple yes or no. Of course if the question is not such a question which requires a yes/no, I get caught and have to sheepishly admit to preoccupation with my thots!
Therefore I have to either
a) sharpen my listening skills or
b) develop a unique "Nod" that would stand for both a yes and a no in which case, if I see someone shocked by my reaction, i can always claim to be doing the opposite!! :) :D

which one is easier??

Alternate career paths?

Ok, I am reading this book, a thriller based on real life incidents and it got me thinking if people as described in the book exsist in reality! The characters in the book are so spectacular, it makes me want to be one of them. They are always in the thick of action, specializing in espionage, counter espionage and what not! They kick some serious ass! Maybe I should have been a spy, on similar lines of a certain Ms Sydney Bristow in Alias(of course she is not real). How cool would that have been?! Smart, brave, smooth talking, ass kicking hot chick! Of course this being a fictious character, has no flaw at all. But there is a downside to this. Chances of dying a natural death are very remote and there can be no friends or family( how dull is that!? Even if there were, they would be in grave danger I suppose).

Btw we know that the Americans have CIA and Pakistanis have ISI as their intelligence agencies. what is the Indian intelligence agency called? Are they so good that they have cleverly managed to hide their identity or is it that there is not one, but many such agencies and hence the credit cannot be given to just one agency?

I can confidently say that I wont be having such an exciting career. So I was thinking what else is as exciting but far less dangerous? And voila, how about being a football star!!??( the reason I chose football over cricket is cos cricket is a lil dull and boring and has less money in it and tennis is just an individual sport, there is no such thing as team spirit at all which is kinda boring)
Playing on a football field where millions of fans go wild every other week for powerful, rich and famous clubs like say MANU or Chelsea would result in generous amounts of Adernaline kicking in!
One can run, kick, dive, celebrate wildly and do lots of crazy things and all this will be part of my job!! But sadly I have to admit I dont have the stamina or the physical strength to play against 11 such bullies for 90 odd minutes.
In the end I have come to the conclusion that being what I am gives me the opportunity to dream abt such things and even write about them(even though they are a lil far fetched)! So me is very content :)

Irony

Rama and Sita are considered to be the ideal couple in Hindu mythology, but we all know about the hardships they had to endure. They did not "Happily live ever after". Is it becos they remanined true to one another always? I think I'm missing something.

Tiny dancer

Love this song by Elton John! Its just fabulous!!
Oh and I finally listened to Stairway to heaven! Loved it too! :)

Life...

Heard the following line was quoted by the lead singer of the band Moksha who is no more apparently!!
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease"
Come to think of it, it cannot be more true sometimes.

Shakespeare

Was having a casual conversation with friends about English grammar and I realized that Shakespeare is the only English playwright/poet/writer/actor that i know! Maybe I know some more ppl, it still hasnt dawned on me yet!!

Baby smell

Just love the way they smell. Esp after a bath. They smell of johnson's baby powder :) I'll go buy one today!!